I read Boys & Sex by Peggy Orenstein on May 1st, 2025

I read Peggy Orenstein’s Cinderella Ate My Daughter about ten years ago, was impressed about her oppression against the sexualization of girls. Time flies; now my son is official a teenager, and I would like to know more about boys’ confusion when navigating the adulthood.

Overview

The author interviewed more than one hundred 16 - 22 young men from public and private high school and colleges, big cities and small towns; spanning across races, religions, social classes, and multiple sexual orientations, straight, gay, and transgenders. Some of them were athletes, some were fraternities. The author interviewed them with hour-long conversation, and found them quite open about their insecurity, pressures and pain, anxieties about sexual performance, and desire to connect and their fears about doing so.

Toxic Masculinity

The boys were expected to be masculine, to be tough. 40% agreed that when they were angry, society expected them to be aggressive, or suck it up. The expression of love, connection and vulnerability were signs of weakness; and must be concealed, rejected and ridiculed. However, emodiversity — the ability to experience broad sweep of emotions is crucial to adult’s emotional and physical health. While the emotion suppression related to the sorrow and fears were encouraged by the society for boys.

In 2016, the then president candidate, Donald Trump bragged about his forcibly kissing, “You can do anything. Grab’em by the pussy.” He later claimed it as locker room banters, refuted by professional athletes. Nevertheless, boys tended to assert masculinity through control of women’s bodies, which demands a denial of girls’ humanity.

The research showed that young men who internalize masculine norm are six times more likely to be a bully or sexually harassing girls; more prone to drinking problem,and painfully lonely, more prone to depression and suicide.

Pornography

In the era of internet, pornography was ubiquitous and easy to access. Boys would seek advices of intimacy from pornography when the sex education lags. For example, 16% 18-24 years old women in US reported trying anal sex in 1992; by 2009, the percentage had risen to 40.

In my opinion, pornography should be understood for what it is: scripted, entertainment-focused performance, more akin to WWE then real intimacy. It often objectifies women and prioritizes physical gratification over emotional connection, mutual respect, and genuine affection.

Hookup Culture

Many teenage boys considered hook-up as one step to the long-term relationship, but under the peer expectations, many found themselves rush into intimate situations when they were not emotionally ready. They were concerned about the performance, which would tarnish reputation in the relentless popularity contests. About 85% interviewees expressed feelings of ambivalence or unhappiness with hookup culture. Sexual assaults were far from rare. Each year, nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experienced physical abuse from a dating partner.

A Better Man

How can we ensure that boys see women and girls as full human beings worthy of dignity, empathy, and value in intimate encounters?

It beings with consent as a guiding principle. Consent must be affirmative, knowing, ongoing, revocable, and freely given. The education should not stop at conceptual, but has to be lived.

This means parents, — especially fathers — must step into the uncomfortable, but essential conversations about sex, intimacy, and relationship. Just as importantly, they must live as role models for consistently caring, respectful, and loving partners.